Let Me Pick My Own Fruits!

Patriots of the good red, white, and blue, I have a proposition for you!  I have the ultimate solution for our immigration problem.  Let's stop the Mexicans from taking our jobs by taking theirs!  Let us accept dirt cheap wages and become migrant workers!  I know it will be hard.  For the first time for many of us, we will have to get up off the couch to pick fruit, basically it's like protesting in San Francisco.  However challenging this task may seem, we will reap benefits such as a natural John Boehner tan and we will finally lose enough weight to look like Rush Limbaugh.  By doing this task we will also be fighting against  things we hate by getting paid less than minimum wage.  Who wouldn't want to go against the socialist policies of FDR?  However, this is only the beginning to our solution.

As many of you remember, champion of the rich, Scott Walker, banned collective bargaining rights for public unions.  However, he did not go far enough.  We must overturn all of the progressive legislation passed in the history of this nation.  These laws have taken away power from rich white folk, while giving it to minorities, workers, women, and the oppressed.  We must make America so inhospitable to every minority and liberal that they flee this country and go home or in some cases Canada!  No one will ever want to come here again.  We will become a homogeneous white population without the homo!  After this stage of the mission is complete, we won't need to pick fruits because all the liberals that eat them will be gone anyway.  There will  be no more competition for jobs, and America will return the the greatness it was before becoming an industrialized superpower.

Make The Brats Pay!

In light of the massive deficits, both state and federal, it has become necessary to cut any programs that seek to educate our children.  State run education produces no effect on the children of this country.  In fact, people that are more educated are more likely to accept crazy things like evolution!  They believe crazy things like dinosaurs were around before humans, when in fact, if they watched The Flintstones, they would know that dinosaurs were our pets!

There is also this notion that the more educated a person is, the more they get paid, therefore the more tax dollars the government receives from them in the long term.   BULL CRAP!  If this were true, then why would we be complaining that our taxes are too high?  At 35%, everyone knows that the income tax on the wealthiest are higher than hippies "liberating" themselves.  With all this money, these people must be the least greedy people around, and to ask them to pay a little more for the so called "common good" would destroy our country.  Since millionaires can't afford being slightly less of millionaires, we have to look for entities to cut, and the greatest evil of all is public colleges.

Colleges are places where our kids our brainwashed with "useful" knowledge that is supposed to help them find jobs and live prosperous lifestyles.  When really, colleges are places where our children learn that abstinence is not fun, and that going to sleep past 11:00 is acceptable.  Oh, the horrors of freedom!  To think that the leaders of virtually everything attended these valueless wastelands is just plain scary.  We need to give power to the uneducated masses who have shown to make informed decisions like electing Sarah Palin as governor of Alaska.  And so I ask you members of Congress, trim education like you would trim the fat off a pig with lipstick!

God Bless America!

As my highly esteemed and knowledgeable colleague Bill O' Reilly said, "I'll tell you why [religion is] not a scam, in my opinion. Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can’t explain that. You can’t explain why the tide goes in.”  Of course giving a religious explanation to something wholly found in science is always the RIGHT way to go.  We do it with evolution all the time.  In fact, I have a new reason that proves that God is right here with us all the time.  Just look at the food he gives us, potatoes deep fried in oils, with meat from a cow that died last week, served on a sesame seed bun, and I get two of them.  Despite being too big for all the clothes at the big and tall store, Rush and I are still alive.  My so called doctor tells me that I have diabetes and heart disease, and I just laugh.


You want to know what else I find hilarious?  That whole anti-obesity lets move campaign that Michelle Obama promotes.  She wants us to do French things like walk and move around.  Please lady, the only time I ever move is to get the beer out of the fridge when I watch football, and half the time I make my wife do that for me.


It is so great to have a wife with the great conservative values of sandwich making, laundry doing, and going out of her way to buy  me two supersized big macs with cheese, while I sweat from all the work I do pushing the buttons on the TV remote.  Oh how I love America, land of the fat and home of the housewife.

Oil Companies Love Green

     Who has more authority on environmental issues, oil companies or scientists?  As the 1.7 million Americans part of Americans for Prosperity know, oil companies is the correct answer.  Americans for Prosperity, largely funded by these oil companies, seeks to deregulate the EPA and denounces scientific evidence.  Oil companies cannot possibly have any interest in spreading anything but the truth, after all its not like they do anything to harm the environment.  John Boehner was right when he said the idea that carbon dioxide is harmful is almost comical.  I wonder what he will say when he cuts funding to find a cure to cancer?  Perhaps, the idea that a persons own cells can kill him is down right hilarious?

    

     Oil companies have all the green they need, our money.  Forget about a prosperous environment, its all about the Franklins.  The real green thing to do is protect the Koch brother's money, and the only way to achieve economic prosperity is to rely on oil.  Never mind the problems of relying on one resource that is in unstable countries such as Libya or Iran.  Forget about the climate change hoax and its contributions to massive flooding that destroys livelihoods, burning oil is the real way to prosperity.  In order to reach that prosperity we need to deregulate government.

     What does the EPA do anyway?  I hear they ensure we have clean air, drinking water, and make laws to make sure we don't poison ourselves; basically everything that is anti-American.  Since when does having a healthy population contribute to a countries prosperity?  In fact, we should all become sick so we can stay home and watch TV, and be angry at the government for trying to make us healthy so we will have to work.  Please, I'd rather sit at home eating a sandwich off a lead plate with an asbestos ceiling than have the EPA take my job away from me, or cause the people that charge us $4 for a gallon of gas to lose any money.  In fact, the wants of businesses should trump the needs of the people.

   Business leaders know best when it comes to the needs of the countries.  They create jobs after all.  What have progressives done for us anyway?  They only gave women the right to vote, established a minimum  wage, ended child labor, shortened the work days, and made sure your arm didn't get chopped off in a factory.  Basically, they are a useless bunch of Nazis that stop businesses from making money.  In order to stop these so called progressive environmental terrorists, we need to look at the facts that America for Prosperity has been so generous to provide to us and destroy the EPA. We must put in place a government that is smaller than Al Gore's balls and as functionless as John Mccain's penis.